Gay Hippie

1/4/13

new york city… i’ve been here for about three and a half months and i’ve come to the very bitter conclusion that dating here is for the iron-hearted. yes, the gay culture is crazy and i could fuck five guys in one night if i wished. but who the hell wants to do that? i am so past the point of casual fucking i wouldn’t be able to see it if i looked behind me with a telescope attached to a pair of binoculars taped to the end of a canon power shot on full zoom.

and when you do date it’s like you’re dating a robot with a dick. being single in a city that was made for couples is a pretty depressing thing sometimes. yes, i’ve met a bunch of awesome people who have become friends but i can’t hold my friends’ hands on fifth avenue or go to coney island and kiss for no reason other than being completely fucking smitten or split a hot dog in a cute, coupley way or cuddle on the couch while watching terrible television.

for fuck’s sake - and i know this is the question that every single person in the world has asked at one point or another - is it really too much to ask for someone who is compatible, who doesn’t just want your fucking sex, who enjoys actually spending time with you and you with them and who is gorgeous so you can show off to your friends (the last trait is optional and actually not even that important, i’m just being cunty).

this easter, i would like jesus to resurrect me a stand up man, please and fucking thank you. and then niggas have the audacity to ask me “top or bottom?”

the big fuck at the end of the world

instead of freaking out like crazy kids, we need to be plotting our sexual map leading up to the end days. we have three more days. and if you’re especially good at plotting maps, you could be done in an hour and well on your way to having as much happy, mind blowing, freeing, i-just-came-and-went-to-heaven sex as you want!

here’s what you need:

- pen

- paper

- lose your dignity. there are no high horses when you’re in the missionary position

- at least 2 potential bed buddies who have loose morals, hot bodies and tattoos

* pen and paper optional. it’s just so that you can keep track if you’re like me and have over 50 people on your potential list.

now really, when it’s that simple why would we be kneeling down and praying for salvation? kneeling hurts your knees, causes back problems and makes you feel submissive. you bet if i’m on my knees between now and friday, i will be giving someone head. not praying for the saving of my soul.

sex is fun. so just do it.

when someone tells me my shoelaces are untied…

when a guy insists he’s “bisexual” but only sleeps with guys…